Most romantic alliances begin with intense mutual attraction. Such attraction usually occurs with little knowledge of the person one is attracted to. On the surface, it is difficult to say why one person can feel such a strong personal and sexual attraction toward someone he or she doesn't know. Indeed, it is almost impossible to trace directly the thousands of romantic value judgments which each individual makes during his or her lifetime and which culminate in such an attraction. But what we do know is that sexual attraction comes from subconscious content. Each individual forms subconscious associations which lead him or her to assume that the presence of certain physical characteristics in another person automatically means the presence of certain values he or she desires. For example, a certain look, a smile, or a way of moving may be interpreted as a certain kind of sense of life, the look of an ambitious person, the presence of extreme intelligence, etc. In the light of such subconscious associations and the intense attraction they cause, it is easy to assume that one has found the soulmate one has been seeking all along. The attraction itself seems to be the proof.

Having subconsciously endowed in this way the object of their attraction with desired attitudes, values, character, and personality traits, the lovers proceed to idealize each other and thus to act ahead of their actual knowledge of one other. In addition, they usually become sexually involved in this early phase--which means that they become intimate without a sufficient basis for intimacy. Then, as they get to know each other better, they often develop a vested interest in maintaining their subconscious projections. They continue to see similarities in their values where few or none exist. They observe traits selectively so that they see only good ones, and give glamorized interpretations to actions or traits of the partner that they don't approve of.

In this period, most individuals also do some role playing. Fearful of revealing too much about themselves, they are careful to put their best foot forward. Often, secretly or subconsciously not feeling lovable, they try to hide anything that might endanger the romance in case the partner disapproves. The result of this combination of factors is the selection of a partner based on wishful thinking and fantasy, rather than on real knowledge of one another. Yet true love requires real knowledge of one another--knowledge acquired by clear thinking over an extended period of time.

Such clear thinking, required for correct selection, must be based on self-knowledge and on the ability to judge others: on knowing and identifying clearly one's personal values in all areas of life including specifically romantic values, and on seeing clearly the values of the other. Each person has a hierarchy of personal needs and values. The hierarchy varies from individual to individual. But the more clearly a person can identify his romantic needs (what he must have) and his wants (what he would like to have but which is not essential), and provided such values are rational, the more likely he will know at the outset what type of person he likes, who is a good romantic candidate for him, whom he could be friends with, and whom he can respond to sexually.

Obviously, individuals do not have to match on every value they hold. But the values found at the top of the hierarchy must match. Thus if the core evaluations of the partners are completely different from each other, the couple is mismatched. If one of the partners hates life and is alienated by the other's love of life, the differences are irreconcilable. If one values character, and the other is a liar and a cheat, no admiration is possible. If one values ambition and the other hates to work, no admiration is possible. And, of course, if one is sexually attracted to the other, but the attraction is not reciprocated, no basis for a romantic alliance is present.

Another example is that of Mr. and Mrs. Owen, who come to therapy because Mr. Owen has been impotent for the last year and a half of their three year marriage. They got married four months after they met. They did not know each other very well, nor did they know their own values. And they also selected each other basically in order to satisfy their respective neurotic needs. Mrs. Owen had been married twice before, and both of her husbands had left her because each fell in love with another woman. When Mr. Owen appeared on the scene--tall, handsome, seemingly successful in business, and willing to marry her--she was only too eager to agree. Mr. Owen, who in fact was not successful in business and usually left a trail of debts after he failed in one business after another, admired Mrs. Owen's competence as an advertising executive. He perceived her as sweet and compliant and ready to help him out. They both role played. He pretended to like everything she liked and to have many friends. She pretended to herself to be in love with him. It turned out he did not like to engage in any activity other than watching television and was a virtual recluse. "He is a liar and a weakling, and I cannot respect him," she says. "She is a castrating bitch," he says, because she denigrates him and calls him a failure. He subconsciously retaliates by being impotent and then cheats on her to prove his masculinity.

Clearly, Mr. and Mrs. Owen are mismatched. She married him to prove that she was feminine on the basis of the fact that a tall, handsome, and seemingly successful man was willing to adore her. He married her because his role playing evoked admiration from an attractive, sociable, and successful woman. He thought she would take care of his business and of him. He thought her admiration would give him the self-esteem he did not have. (Parenthetically, the Owens came to me with what they thought was a sexual problem. But in fact the sexual problem was a symptom of the wider problem they were having. Their problem in connection with sex was that you cannot give and receive sexual pleasure when there is mutual anger, disrespect, and contempt. Their anger toward each other was not the result of pain inflicted by a partner whom they admired. What they resented was that they did not have their respective neurotic needs satisfied.)

Another example is that of Mr. and Mrs. Owen, who come to therapy because Mr. Owen has been impotent for the last year and a half of their three year marriage. They got married four months after they met. They did not know each other very well, nor did they know their own values. And they also selected each other basically in order to satisfy their respective neurotic needs. Mrs. Owen had been married twice before, and both of her husbands had left her because each fell in love with another woman. When Mr. Owen appeared on the scene--tall, handsome, seemingly successful in business, and willing to marry her--she was only too eager to agree. Mr. Owen, who in fact was not successful in business and usually left a trail of debts after he failed in one business after another, admired Mrs. Owen's competence as an advertising executive. He perceived her as sweet and compliant and ready to help him out. They both role played. He pretended to like everything she liked and to have many friends. She pretended to herself to be in love with him. It turned out he did not like to engage in any activity other than watching television and was a virtual recluse. "He is a liar and a weakling, and I cannot respect him," she says. "She is a castrating bitch," he says, because she denigrates him and calls him a failure. He subconsciously retaliates by being impotent and then cheats on her to prove his masculinity.

Clearly, Mr. and Mrs. Owen are mismatched. She married him to prove that she was feminine on the basis of the fact that a tall, handsome, and seemingly successful man was willing to adore her. He married her because his role playing evoked admiration from an attractive, sociable, and successful woman. He thought she would take care of his business and of him. He thought her admiration would give him the self-esteem he did not have. (Parenthetically, the Owens came to me with what they thought was a sexual problem. But in fact the sexual problem was a symptom of the wider problem they were having. Their problem in connection with sex was that you cannot give and receive sexual pleasure when there is mutual anger, disrespect, and contempt. Their anger toward each other was not the result of pain inflicted by a partner whom they admired. What they resented was that they did not have their respective neurotic needs satisfied.)


To summarize these points: the couples I have observed who have a successful romantic relationship are always couples who agree to conduct their relationship through honest communication of their emotions. Such couples may sometimes fight and yell at each other, and sometimes emotionally hurt each other, and occasionally not understand each other. But throughout, what I have observed is an unwavering focus on each other. I have observed how they continue to consider each other the most important person in the world, always thinking about and considering each other's needs and expectations. Thus, in spite of occasional disagreements, such a couple continues to respect and love each other, and remains faithful. And because of this extreme interest in each other, both personally and sexually, their romantic relationship survives any struggles they may go through.

I must turn now from the terms on which a romantic relationship should be conducted to other major factors in the lives of couples. As we all know, a romantic relationship does not exist in isolation. Many things seriously affect it--for example, the careers of the partners and various financial factors. In addition, other personal relationships, such as those with children, stepchildren, former spouses, parents, and in-laws, also seriously impact the romantic relationship. Furthermore, various psychological problems of the partners can get in the way of a successful romantic relationship, such as dependence, defense values, and especially defense mechanisms, such as repression