I can't say it out loud, so I'll have to write it out loud.
the thoughts in my head flow so smoothly... yet, when I try to write them down, it's not as smooth.
why? why all these years were so unproductive? why did I have to push the wall that won't move?
just a few months ago I wrote down this confession on how it is to be with him, that my mind was clear on his drawbacks and how I was accepting him with all that shit he had on him, and here we are, full of shit, breaking off the 6-year relationship. for myself. not because I fell in love with someone else.
because I said it in my brain: "as soon as I get the degree, I'm out of this relationship." I said it. loud and clear. in my head.
why these years were so fruitless? it was killing me every day, just like studies would revive a restless and thirsty mind, that relationship would be killing me every day with the same but opposite success.
I'm drinking from a Dragon Herbs cup with their motto: "life deserves cultivation."
fucking hell. I was de-cultivating myself. today I saw a [nightmare] distressful dream about him and that previous guy. and I asked him: "do you actually regret behaving like these all these years, that it all ended up in losing me?" and he replied: "yes, of course, I miss you, I should have treated you a lot better, I should have walked on your back before every [...] (I don't remember what "every" it was), so that you would feel better." wtf??? what is this bullshit? who is sending me these messages, oh God almighty? and that all these motherfuckers want to keep in touch with me? after all that shit?
and, anyway, I'm again in a relationship, it's been a full 7 weeks, and I decided to be there, but it was a tough and weighed decision, and I like this guy as I looked at him once... and melted. the heart sunk. and I like him because he has goals and is so determined. and every day I see different sides of him, as it's many people in one.
I can't talk about my previous shit. I can't even say "shit" pretty much because it's not funny anymore, and I should settle down and get my proper nourishment. 7 weeks have been enough to enjoy the honeymoon, now get back to business and catch up. you can do it, moonpie. I love you.