The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.