14:54 25-10-2006
It's amazing how I never hurry anywhere and never get surprised at anything at school. Yesterday I cought an english reply to my father's question on the tip of my tongue, but managed to swallow it back and reply in russian. Some day will come when I will unconsciously say something in english and have totranslate it afterwards.
Today I found myself talking slowly and reluctantly, with no particular involvement. I am afraid of it as a first step of my change. I hope to be able to reduce the reason for this way of talking to having underslept today.
I'm getting to be even more of an intravert than I have been before.
I want to close these notes from other people's eyes, but I won't, since I believe that sending problems to the internet is just a way of getting rid of them.
Today I found myself talking slowly and reluctantly, with no particular involvement. I am afraid of it as a first step of my change. I hope to be able to reduce the reason for this way of talking to having underslept today.
I'm getting to be even more of an intravert than I have been before.
I want to close these notes from other people's eyes, but I won't, since I believe that sending problems to the internet is just a way of getting rid of them.
03:51 25-10-2006
How come I only feel natural at nighttime.
Complaints: [1]
03:49 25-10-2006
"Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man's heart, and the fall through the air of a true, wise friend called Piggy."
So much ironic tragedy, or tragic irony.
Don't think Golding meant that to be ironic or tragic, but still late at night I think of it as something that makes me wanna cry. This "wept for the end of innocence" is the first thing that comes to my mind after I watch Forrest Gump.
When I watch this movie I cry with no tears coming out. I always cry like that, with nobody to see it. Why? I think this was the first thing I learned after I met my "end of innocence".
Sometimes I think of myself as having been born with a grain of elderness, some sort of maturity, some side of charecter prevailing on the others, making me become an adult much faster than I now wish I had. The darkness of my heart was my all-burning pride and ambition. I was born into it like into the world of mine. It wouldn't leave me alone, it still won't, never letting me live peacefully, with pleasure, no sensible purpose, just for fun.
I would thank God for letting me be, or helping me get, just happy. Through my unwillingly short seventeen years I found out that happiness is just a feeling, with nothing prominent to result from. And the real gift in life is to be able to feel happy, sometimes sad, to be able to look into the future without forcefully pulling it closer to the present; to live long days and see very important unnoticeable things happen; to know that their importance is much greater than anything one might ACHIEVE in life; to remember these things, and to learn to just see them instead of seeing the hardness of a has-to-be future through the coloured glass of really important things in life.
Not to be able to so easily achieve the hard-to-achieve things like getting good grades.
Just live, like all people do.
Why do I feel so different from everybody else? Why am I different? Why am I unhappy with that? Why am I unhappy to be what most people would love to be? Because I'm tired. I'm so tired. My mind is tired, my soul is tired. And I don't know how to get a rest. I guess this is my problem.
"I want to be free from desolation and despair" (Muse, Map of the Problematique)
I know that having these issues is all my fault, and I'm not blaming any superior creature for that. I just want harmony. Just want peace. I might be destined to want these things all my life on some purpose, then I will live with that and see what life brings. So, subsequently, I am as obedient to God's will as I can be.
If that was a prayer, it really sounded like a bad one.
So much ironic tragedy, or tragic irony.
Don't think Golding meant that to be ironic or tragic, but still late at night I think of it as something that makes me wanna cry. This "wept for the end of innocence" is the first thing that comes to my mind after I watch Forrest Gump.
When I watch this movie I cry with no tears coming out. I always cry like that, with nobody to see it. Why? I think this was the first thing I learned after I met my "end of innocence".
Sometimes I think of myself as having been born with a grain of elderness, some sort of maturity, some side of charecter prevailing on the others, making me become an adult much faster than I now wish I had. The darkness of my heart was my all-burning pride and ambition. I was born into it like into the world of mine. It wouldn't leave me alone, it still won't, never letting me live peacefully, with pleasure, no sensible purpose, just for fun.
I would thank God for letting me be, or helping me get, just happy. Through my unwillingly short seventeen years I found out that happiness is just a feeling, with nothing prominent to result from. And the real gift in life is to be able to feel happy, sometimes sad, to be able to look into the future without forcefully pulling it closer to the present; to live long days and see very important unnoticeable things happen; to know that their importance is much greater than anything one might ACHIEVE in life; to remember these things, and to learn to just see them instead of seeing the hardness of a has-to-be future through the coloured glass of really important things in life.
Not to be able to so easily achieve the hard-to-achieve things like getting good grades.
Just live, like all people do.
Why do I feel so different from everybody else? Why am I different? Why am I unhappy with that? Why am I unhappy to be what most people would love to be? Because I'm tired. I'm so tired. My mind is tired, my soul is tired. And I don't know how to get a rest. I guess this is my problem.
"I want to be free from desolation and despair" (Muse, Map of the Problematique)
I know that having these issues is all my fault, and I'm not blaming any superior creature for that. I just want harmony. Just want peace. I might be destined to want these things all my life on some purpose, then I will live with that and see what life brings. So, subsequently, I am as obedient to God's will as I can be.
If that was a prayer, it really sounded like a bad one.