Интересные вещи тут стали происходить с тех пор как я ушёл... Хотелось бы оставить этот дневник, в нём есть то, что нет нигде более.

Is it good or bad that our college class is going to be the first class to experience the new innovations of the college?
Is it good or bad that Philadelphia is becoming the Capital of the Internet, since there is going to be wireless network built, covering 135 square miles?
Is it good or bad that I'm wasting so much time working for the store (which at least got some clients), while I can create my own ad, and charge less, take all the money, but have less clients?
Is it good or bad that when that girl from the "pack of freshmen" fell in love with me, and I found out about it, I did nothing, and now I think I like her, as I remember her? Moreover, I've seen her recently, we waved to each other, but that's it?
Is it good or bad that I'm not in relationship for so long?
Is it good or bad that I anticipate college, but have doubts about my private life, thinking that I really need to do something about it?
Is it good or bad that I'm actually starving for a relationship, but not doing anything about it?
Is it good or bad that I persuaded my friend not to steal something, that he could easily steal, and that would be of a great value for me?
Is it good or bad that I'm writing all this?
Is it good or bad that we don't know anything about beyond this world?
Is it good or bad that I can't find music partners?
Is it good or bad that I'm sharing many things with many people?
Is it good or bad that I still feel love to the girl I'm supposed to forget about?
Is it good or bad that lately I can't control the feelings so much as I could before, and some things even force me to almost crying condition (still got some strength to raise the mood back)?
Is it good or bad that I did not take another four credit Business Management class in college, even though I could, because my tuition would cover it?
Is it good or bad that I left the idea of creating the college band?
Is it good or bad that I speak friendly with a girl in college very much, but I also consider her very much?
Is it good or bad that I'm in the same college as my friend Venya?
Is it good or bad that I'm living at home in my college time?
Is it good or bad that I can't stop writing?
Is it good or bad that I decided not to wear the mask of originality, but just be simply nice polite and right person?
Is it good or bad that I like the music that I make, while not many others like it, and it's not how it usually is in the most inspired musicians' world?
Is it good or bad that right now I'm in such a condition that allows me to study a lot, but at the same time, I hate this condition?
Is it good or bad that I still read my not-to-be-love's journal?
Is it good or bad that I desperately need intimacy, to the point where I wouldn't even really care if I have strong feelings for her?


It's all bad.
Or not?
For some reason something bothers me, and I just can't be calm. I don't know what is it. At this time the only two cures I see are to find what bothers me OR to get involved in a loving nice relationship. I say it a lot, but I don't do any moves. It doesn't keep me from studying, it actually makes me study more. But I hate to be this way.

I wanna loooooove.
Good night folks.

Current music: stupid shit
Состояние: discontent

Sometimes it seems to me that my journal gradually turns into a food book... No, not recepies book,. not cooking blog... Just food book. I guess, since that's what major part of my life consist of, why not give it an honor it deserves?.. Here I go.

In the last few days I somewhat gave up on the regular home food, which I used to have almost every day (Earl Grey with fresh paint from the recently painted walls, the glue from envelopes of college letters, etc.). Instead, I tried a lobster... Big, red, steamed, stuffed Lobster, with melted butter and lemon. Oh my god! (which doesn't exist.) I can't believe how good it was. It's not that I like it much. It's that I like it obsessively much. Right now I could eat an endless amount of them, one after another, until it doesn't fit into me. It was so great! Unfortunately, this shit is expensive. 24 bux per cooked creature, plus a few dimes for the hard working, forcefully putting a towel on one's neck, waitress. Well, maybe it's for my own good... But it's sooo worth it. You take a piece of white, tender lobster meat, dip it in the little bowl of butter, then, take a piece of lemon, and squeeze it, spraying its juice all over the piece. The meat gets a slight golden tone, and you eat it... Yummmm... Damn.. I'm addicted... *chewin' own saliva*

We got a printer. HP Deskjet 5850 with wireless network support. We don't need the wireless network support, but I was able to fight out such a discount, that we bought it. It's good. Ooo, i like my little baby printer for the way it is... What's that strange taste in my mouth??? I'm only dirnking a glass of Earl Grey... Damn it, I thought they washed it off already!!! By the way, everyone's welcomed to my sweet home, for a glass of tea, and nice talks.

The Simpsons - Hit And Run!!! Serg, I think, that's the one and only game, that will be installed on your laptop.

P.S. Just watched the jackass show. Those things they did were beyond all the levels of craziness possible. They put papercuts between their fingers. They burned a tattoo in each other, while riding off road, in a hummer. They sticked toy cars up their ass, and then went to regular doctor to make an x-ray. They jumped from the jump boards, into cacti. They stuffed their pants with fresh meat, and went to swim between the sharks. They dressed in thongs, busted into the occupied quick photo cabins and danced. They ate wasabi... ...through the nose. And then the guy walked into the toilet store, and crapped right into one of the toilets...

P.P.S. That previous P.S. was the compromise for the description of lobsters.

P.P.P.S. Damn the stupid paint. I still have this weird taste in my mouth... Beweahh...

Current music: Britney Spears? Oh no, those were brakes screeching outside.
Состояние: horny

You know those huge speakers, that make up the sound system of your neighbor's/friend's/peer's 5.1 home theater set? Let me tell ya, they suck big time. The point is, I have never known that frequency response has such a big effect on the quality of the sound. If you want completely smuged bass and treble tones, and lesser possibility to recognize between instruments that are playing - go with home sound system with deep sub woofer, and toy equalizer. If you want a fantastically clear sound, which is so even and pure, that it makes your hair dance with the rhythm, go with studio monitoring speakers, which have almost straight line frequency response. My suggestion for budget solution is M-Audio LX4 2.1 + 3 sattelite extension, which makes it a complete 5.1 system. 60 watt subwoofer, and 27 watt sattelites make it perfect for a regular room. Believe me, I heard the difference with my own ears. Nothing comapres to monitors.

I've got a chance to watch the following movies:

Girl Next Door
Starsky and Hutch
The Dreamlife of Angels
Cast Away
Hannibal
The Last Man Standing
The Butterfly Effect

So these are open for discussion . Of these I would suggest The Dreamlife of Angels (french indpendent movie about living below the poverty line), Cast Away (Tom Hanks - this says pretty much.) and The Butterfly Effect (theme - little things done in the past can result in huge consequences in the future).

Is there anyone who can help with web design? I'd appreciate it a lot.

I really like people, who don't take your kindness as a sign of kiss-up or with great deal of scepticism. I understand that this is the defensive reaction to not trust someone. However, there should be some consideration that maybe the person is nice not because he's building up his dark plans, and gonna stab you in the back when you don't expect. Maybe the person is kind and nice, just because that's the way he is. I wish people could distinguish who's worthy the trust. In my cases, my kindness is often taken as an offense. But i do not have thought through reasons behind it. If you think i do, oh well, sorry... I guess I will have to live with it. The truth is, I've been in too much shit lately and am too tired to have some arguments and disputes. I just want normal mutual understanding and friendship. If people think I want too much, it's your right not to have these things with me. Take care.

Wednesday - say "Happy Birthday" to one of my best friends... Call the jazz-sing'n'play girl (from now on: JSnP)... Continue working on the Clients' support database for the store across the street... Maybe get to the doctor's office after all...

Thursday - meet up with the JSnP + consider. Maybe get to the doctor's office after all...

Friday - Receive a call from the musician friend of mine, who I met in Radio Shack long time ago. He's a guy close to 40 yo, and he is much into composing. He's professional with music, as long as it doesn't come to digital technologies. Shoot, I still haven't visited that stupid doctor.

Saturday - don't know exactly yet... Either some upstate, or (if not) go to this musician's place and check out the studio of his.

Sunday - Too far away.

Moreover, any time in the week, I might be called up by my boss, and go work for my tiny $6/hour... Doesn't seem too promising (though he mentioned many additional opportunities like teaching people for money, and going to trobleshoot on site, and tips...) I might as well start considering some other computer stores that really do need sales/service people.

Arrrabian niiiights!....... Like Arrrrrabian daaaayyzzz!....

Khm, it just sounds nice on the piano... Even the shitty one... Oh, nevermind!..

Состояние: Увлечённо - восстанавливающееся...

Я смотрю тут кому-то ещё может показаться интересным мой дневник... В основном я пишу там (почти каждый день):
http://www.livejournal.com/users/mx_/

Если кто-то хочет здесь читать, напишите в комментах, и я могу копировать посты оттуда сюда, чтобы было удобнее... Знаю, давно не писал. Но щас пишу.

Состояние: плохое

Чисто для себя, делаю заметку, чтобы помнить про что хотел написать... По мере вспоминания, буду пополнять (если не надоест писать )

1) Доверие себе
2) Контроль над собой
3) Ответ на информацию, получаемую с пяти органов чувств
4) Искажение информации
5) Искажение прошлого
6) Логика и смысл действий, депрессий
7) Низы, средние, верхи.
8) Шкала тонов
9) ....


Сразу скажу, никакой религии, никаких необоснованых законов и нелогичных выводов тут нет. Всё чётко и очевидно.

Очень мало людей научились жить правильно... Действительно мало... Если вы всё ещё чувствуете депрессию, радость, огромную любовь или ужасный провал, значит вы в большинстве.

Теперь первое.. Первое что мешает человеку себя улучшить, это недоверие к себе. Ключевой смысл всей этой философии, это контроль над собой. Цель - безмятежность существования. Вот решаете вы "Всё, с этой минуты я буду то-то и то-то". Ложитесь спать. С утра встаёте невыспавшись, в пасмурную погоду, настроение как вода ускальзывает из рук и летит стремительно вниз. Всё. Все вчерашние обещания уже до лампочки. Не так ли? Через какое - то время, вы не берётесь себе ничего обещать, по той простой причине, что знаете, утром всё кончится. Путь к безмятежности существования лежит в полном контроле над своим внутренним состоянием, несмотря на:
1) Наружние раздражители
2) Абберации = память и искажённое прошлое.
А ведь именно так и происходит смена состояния с утра... Казалось бы, ведь в мире ничего не поменялось от того что сейчас погода серого цвета и вы не выспались. Но почему-то это координально изменило ваши действия. Это и есть безсмысленная реакция на окружение, основаная только на ассоциации, то есть памяти. Стоит всегда помнить об этом поначалу, и первой мыслью утром сделать именно мысль о том, что ничего не изменилось, что всё идёт в таком же ритме, а у вас такой же контроль над всем что творится внутри вас... Хаоса в заботе о будущем, и грусти о прошлом не существует. Существует настоящее. Прошлого нет (оно отрезается). Проблем нет (есть конкретные жизненные моменты, которые нужно переживать наиболее эффективным образом). Грусти нет (она отрезается). Радости нет(она тоже отрезается полностью). Насчёт радости не стоит бояться. Это лишь для начала, и как упражнение.

There is a way to look in the future, and this way can be scientifically explained. It’s impossible to accomplish now, but later we never know what will be discovered. Anyway, the understanding of infinity is the key to this problem. Here I’ll try to explain the possible way to see the future.
Haven’t you ever thought of how many infinite things we have in this life? Something can be infinitely small, infinitely large, space is infinite, tangent graph is infinite, etc. It’s impossible to think of infinity though. We don’t make a big deal out of it, and we just agree that it does exist. What we don’t see is the significance of it.
The future is literally signified by the smallest material things that exist, and by them I mean particles. We can easily imagine the process of development of one thing from another. It’s a chain. Smaller particles either divide or somehow develop to bigger or more complicated ones. Now let’s go backwards in this process. I’ll use human as an example. The human is made of cells. Cells are made of atoms. Atoms are made of smaller particles. Smaller particles contain even smaller particles, and so on. We can look infinitely deep to find smaller and smaller particles. But is it true that when we have some definite group of particles under some specific physical conditions, it will develop or multiply only one way and not any other? By all the sciences, it is true. That gives a dramatic conclusion. Considering that everything, including our brain and our body, is made of particles that simply exist (no religion/mysticism involved), everything will happen only one way and not the other.
This way is already defined deep in those smallest particles, which were always developed from something. There’s a theoretical possibility to find this way. Imagine we build a copy of the world, with all the physical laws affecting it the same way as real one. We build particle by particle, and then we somehow “start” it. We would see the world moving on, people do things they think they chose to do (while it really was predefined already). The interesting thing is – that this essay that I’m writing right now, has been already predefined to be written, because something caused the development to turn such a way, that after all I get these exact words down on this exact computer. Because I grew up a certain way, my mind reasons the certain way. Because I got born, I grew up. Because my parents met I got born. And to understand that there are no variables – everything is constant – we should understand that the smallest particles are not varying in the way of their development. They only develop the one certain way that has been written for them like a DNA program. So, once again, as we “start” our false world, made of the same components, the particles begin to follow the program that’s written deeper in them, which makes people act a certain way, make “choices” and develop a certain way, build certain buildings, draw certain paintings, create certain music. Everything was described already deep in small particles, and the smaller we can get, the farer future we can find out. That’s the significance of the infinite size. It has a direct relationship to the infinite time, when thinking materially. Consider this.




The infinite algorithm of life (assumption)
By Mx
12/9/03